Matchday Five: Card Tricks

By: Scott | September 12th, 2009

Pretend, for a moment, that you’re a pretty girl. Maybe some of you actually are. Maybe some of you have been pretending that all weekend, and making good money at it. But, still. Pretend you’re a pretty girl and it’s prom night and your date is the unsightly fat guy. Sure: you’ve got a date for the prom. But you aren’t going to want to look at any pictures of it. That pretty much sums up the three points we took home from Wolfsburg, and it’s in no small part due to the fact that the chaperone to this particular dance quite clearly wanted make certain nobody had any fun.

The last time the Werkself visited the Wolves in their lair, the referee, Dr Jochen Drees, helped open the scoring by wrongly giving Wolfsburg a penalty kick in the 21st minute, so there was little empathy for Wolfsburg this matchday when they lost Benaglio to a questionable straight red 30 minutes into the first half. It’s a shame we didn’t manage to convert the free kick into a one-goal lead. Even more of a shame that, from that point on, referee Dr. Felix Brych couldn’t keep his whistle out of his mouth for any real duration.

It was clear from the outset that the match was going to be one heckuva clash. With Kießling and Derdiyok nearly drawing blood in the opening minutes for our side and Martins and Gentner doing the same at the other end- and the energy escalating from there- both sides should have been allowed to play their game with fewer interruptions. Instead, the one person on the pitch whose presence stood out above all after 90 minutes was the referee. At one point into the second half, having already exhausted his opportunity for fresh effrontery on the pitch, Brych decided to have a word with the Wolfsburg players keeping warmed up on the sidelines.

“Don’t think for a second,” he may have said, “that I’m not dick enough to book one of you, too.”

The entire affair was one of clear annoyance to players and coaches on both sides and didn’t make for the stuff of fond football memories Of course, there’s still that 0-3 scoreline we lost.

With two put in by the Rolfes, and Kießling nailing his fifth in as many matches, it seemed it would take one heroic showing from Hamburg later in the day to keep us from retaking the top of the table. By the 54th minute both sides were down to ten men, neither showed signs of battle fatigue and any advantage was going to have to be mustered up from speed, skill or chance…. Or by Dr. Brych.

The hosts got their big break at the 75th minute. Brych awarded Wolfsburg a free kick at the 17-metre mark and Misimovic curled the ball over the Leverkusen wall, leaving Adler helpless and cutting our lead to two. Then, minutes later, came another penalty, this time going in the Wolves favour. The result was a one goal deficit and new vigour from the home squad.

With ten minutes of regular time left on the clock, Wolfsburg were hungry for an equaliser but it was a hunger that would go unfed. We had our points and we bloody well earned them. Be sure to check the official match report at Bayer04.de for this unfortunate typo:

“Christian Gentner shit narrowly wide of the right hand post on 18 minutes.”

Shame it didn’t really happen that way. Then Brych wouldn’t have been the only one stinking up the place.

Check the highlights while they last:

Next up, Tim Wiese gets to warm his thick mitts in the glow of Rene Adler’s National Team awesomeness as Werder Bremen visit BayArena.

On another note, you’ve probably all heard by now that Stefan Kießling has vowed not to shave until the Werkself are defeated. If you haven’t, then here’s his story.

Citing the example set by NHL play-off beards, Kießling has declared that “He who shaves, loses,” and so he’s letting his facial hair grow as well as it can for as long as the squad can keep from falling to their opponents. I will not dwell on the evidence that suggests for Stefan to grow a full beard, the Werkself will have to go undefeated for the next seven Bundesliga seasons. It’s Kießling’s thing and I’m content to oblige him, even though I had instilled in me by my stern, Prussian grandfather that not shaving in the morning is something one does not do. Rather than condemn Kießling’s decision I have decided to embrace the beard and am pleased to introduce to you the Leverkusen/Offside Victory Beard Calender.

I know it’s rather rudimentary, and invite anyone else to offer up a better one. For now, though, this is it. For each matchday we go without defeat, I will wipe away another portion of beard from the face of the only man I would normally tolerate one on: our Lord, Jesus Christ. Godspeed, Stefan!